I am decrepit.

I am high on endorphins, and I am ready to be empty.

It has been months - so many months - since anything has moved me; really upset me right. I am not interested in them or their petty, self-loathing offerings.

I am not struck by her perfume.

This money is dead and the lights are dead and the house can burn down or go up for sale for all I care. My music is contrived as of late and even masturbation can only bring me away from self-absorption until I spill the remainder of what pity and pathetic seed that remains.

No loss.

She was silent for a moment.

"Let's just do it," she said.

-Do what?

I knew what.

-Let's just get a place. That's what we should do.

For a moment I almost forgot that I was driving.

I nodded slowly, drawing the long face I do when I want to seem unsurprised and planned.

-Well...I certainly wouldn't mind that. Is..that something you feel..that you'd be okay with- that you're ready for?

-I mean it makes sense. Yes. That's what we should do. It makes sense - we know we trust each other and love each other, and we practically live together anyway. It's stupid not to - just a waste of money to have two separate places just to keep up appearances.

I didn't disagree in the least, but I didn't want to seem too eager, either. This needed to be her ambition and drive, or I would just be needy again. I would just be oppressive and smothering.

-Well, yes. I agree; I just want to be smart about it. It's a big step, and I just want to make sure that you've got what you need, and that - you know - we don't press anything if you're not ready for it. I know that I'd be just fine with it, but I want it to be the healthiest for both of us, and if it's not something you're ready for, I don't want you to feel pressured into it out of difficult circumstances. Honestly, I'm done with living with people I can't really trust, and there's no one I'd rather live with than you. I love you. I just want to make sure it's good for both of us. I'm...so sorry that stuff has happened the way it's happened with Kristel and now Caitlin...It's...there's no way around it - it sucks and it hurts. It's one of those things that's a consistency in my life, and if there was any way I could take it from you, take it on myself, I would. I know this is hard. I'm hurting for you. I hope you know that I'd do anything to take care of you, that you can trust me. I love you.

I could see in my periphery that she had drawn her mouth tight, pulling her bottom lip against her teeth in a subtle frown.

She does this when she doesn't want to let herself cry.

She once told me that, as a dancer, one of the things that she had learned how to do really well was crying without tears.

I always thought that she was so beautiful when she cried.

She stared straight forward at the road.

-I love you too.

------------

I'm very protective. Not in an overbearing, possessive sense. But I've always been more aware - my senses more keen - at night, when the worlds' asleep and I've the illusion to tend to that I'm the only person awake, and I'm guarding against the unknown.

So much more so with her.

That night, she woke up crying.

My eyes darted open. The room was completely black, save for the blur of the streetlight outside her bedroom window.

I can't see anything hardly without my glasses on.

-Baby, what's wrong?

My sleepdrunk eyes darted to the door first, then the window, then the closet. There was nothing there, I was mostly sure, even being legally blind.

She was whimpering softly, and shaking a bit more than I felt comfortable with.

-Sweetheart? Lee, sweetie, I'm right here. I'm right here, Baby. What's wrong?

I put my arms around her as far and as wide as I could, and I pulled her close. There are very few times when I've felt unprepared and inadequately unequipped to deal with something that came up. This was one of those times. She was shaking to the core of her self, and I had no idea what to do.

-Honey, talk to me. What's wrong?

I put my face up to the side of her own, so close that I could feel the heat of her breath coming off of the sheets. I kissed her cheeks, and her forehead, and her ears. I cradled her.

-Lee, talk to me.

A dread and worry that I've never known - yet which seems as familiar as yesterday - started creeping up. I was becoming very, very concerned.

-Ah....I...

Her breathing was anxious. It killed me. I kissed her and rocked her as gently as I could.

-Come on, sweetie. It's okay. I'm here.

-I'm sorry! I'm sorry I woke you up!

I've had trouble sleeping for years. She was avoiding the question, but that was okay. I wasn't going to press it.

-Oh, Honey, it's okay. Shhh - I'm here. I won't let you go. What's wrong? Tell me.

-I don't.....I don't know. Just..just pray for me. Please, pray for me.

-Okay, Baby, okay. It's okay; I'm here.

I was so fucking tired, I could hardly form the words.

But I did.